resolution time

whenever i have some sudden resolutions (tt i know i will not keep) to make, i come here, because there's nowhere else to write it down. this is going in circles, my life..cycles of slackness and regret..even if this is short-lived, i m going to do it even if it is for 1 day..

- no playing of games unless during exercising
- no distractions when doing homework/studying
- no watching of random videos other than those i have set to watch
- only watching of videos during eating and after finishing the things i have set to finish
- never scan through the dramas i m watching, just watch them properly in chrono order -_-

circle of life

again i m in this 不生不死 cycle of endless suffering..wait, since it's a cycle i shouldn't be AGAIN in it, i have always been in it..talking nonsense now, but that's beyond the point..i m looking forward to my graduation day which is o-so-far..i dunno if i can survive this..i mean i know i will survive it, but i dun think i can come out unharmed..anyway let life go on..let nature take it's course..and let me go head-on into my suffering..

be at ease..be at peace..

if you don't spend the same effort as others, dun expect to get good results like others. dun envy others when u know u didn't work as hard as them. or dun think u r clever like them. if u r not clever and u didn't put in hard work, dun think u can get gd results. if u want gd results, start working from now.

my life..

is not going the right way..need to get a hold of myself..but easier said than done..i m not hard on myself, and i dun wan to be..i dun wan to live an unhappy life..but i need a sustainable life where i work now so that i m not unhappy in the future..anyway enough talk and let's get to work now..

江山易改...靠山山倒...

the combi of 2 quotes, such a genius me hahaha..anyway assholes will be assholes and can't change no matter what they do or even if they think they are changing..we shall live with them and be at peace with ourselves. just be satisfied with the fact tt u r not an asshole, at least in your own mind..i m doing all these for myself, no one else. i live for myself and no one else. i shall not be angry or pissed off with assholes..just an advice to assholes out there, dun think u r o-so-important or o-so-clever, it will just show how stupid and ignorant u r, both abt yourself and abt life.

writing something is better than nothing

yup, that's the way i need to move forward. otherwise it's never gonna move. nothing is ever perfect. i m not aiming to be perfect. i like normal. i want to be normal. i just want to do whatever i can and whatever the result is it doesn't matter because i m me. i am not a scientist or trying to change the world.

me who live when others sleep..

it's not like i want to, but they left me with no choice isn't it? they come in crowds and make a big mess out of everywhere and occupy all the space, so how can i do my cooking when they r there?so i can only do things when they r asleep, so that i can do things in peace,without any disturbance,and hopefully without needing to clean their mess. i m not really stressed abt being about people,i just dun wan to waste my time and energy to interact uselessly with them. feeling sleepy now..

it's all in the mind..

..or so i hope. having just eaten bread and banana and grapes and energy bar for the whole day, i m not in the right state of mind now. i dun even know what i want to do anymore. i want to eat nice stuff but i m too lazy to go out (and who wants to go out in the cold). i still have lots of lesson stuff to catch up by tomorrow 9.45am. i still have that parcel i didn't manage to get from DHL for some reason that might get sent to some faraway place for me to collect if i m not lucky (and most probably i m not lucky). gotta stop thinking inevitable stuff and get back to work. and trying to ignore my stomach's calling.

As the bells go

In mechelen train station now, just ended second day of the alone trip. Everything was OK. Except that I may need a new umbrella. U never appreciate what u have until u dun have it anymore. As I sit alone in the cold in the bell tower, hearing the wind howling (literally) about me, I thought of everyone close to me. Everyone who bothered to express concern to me. Everyone who would talk to me regularly, even if it is about themselves.

No man is an island, I agree. So no matter how unwilling I m to open up this island of myself, I have no choice but to do it, when I need help. People are generally nice even if they don't seem so. They will answer if u ask. Let's not be too self conscious.

On my own to belgium

I should be too cold and too tired to type. I have felt alone when travelling alone in Asian countries. Now I realise the importance of blending in to me. I don't like to be different and get the weird stares and negative treatment from others. I feel like an alien. Maybe others don't view me as that and I m thinking too much of something but it doesn't matter. I don't like that feeling. And I don't like the cold. How do people get motivation to even get out of their room when outside is so cold? I just feel like hibernating.

I am far from going back but I want to count down to it. But I know I shouldn't because it will just make it worse when I see that I m so far and so long away from home. I want the warmth of my country, the familiarity of language and the mundane life I have been having. I can live everyday the same.

the warmth from familiarity

nope i haven't miss eating rice yet. what i miss is the warmth, ppl who r not tt outgoing but who care abt me, ppl who i can understand and who can understand me. without all these, now i m depending on the warmth of familiar songs and shows to keep me going. i just want to be myself, i dun wan to change myself to fit into the crowd, because i realised that makes me uncomfortable and even more unhappy. i dun need to make everyone like me, i dun need to make everyone happy. i just have to be myself confidently and do what i want to do and those who can accept me will be ok, those who cannot i dun need to care.

one thing gd abt netherlands and dutch tt i heard and read this past few days is that they make friends only because they need to use them. this is in line with my thinking, might sound selfish to others but it doesn't matter. i like to be by myself unless i need help. and i need frens when i need help. i dun mind ppl approaching me if they need help, and i dun mind them being my frens only because they want to use me. i will help wherever i can. it feels easier for me that way. it's too tiring to keep trying to do something u dun wan to do.

张杰 is officially my new idol. his voice is so warm, his songs keep me warm even though i m walking in the snow. the thought tt true love exists in the world (杰么娜), tt someone loves you wholeheartedly and is loyal to u forever and see the side of u tt nobody else can see. 这大概就是爱情最美的样子