life as it is

maybe my life is just left with this, continuous worrying about stuff that i shld do but not ever starting to do it. the older i grow, the more i 逃避 things i realise. i tell myself not to but i can't find the strength or motivation to do it. i just keep procrastinating until i don't have time to finish it. i dunno since when i became like that? ever since i got into kpop? but who can i blame except myself? i m just not strong enough to discipline myself. i was never strong. and the more i admit it the more i forgive myself for being weak. this is going nowhere

挑战

这是一场一点都不华丽的挑战，而且也是我赢不了的挑战。我觉得毕业之前都不可能做完的，但是不是做不完就不用毕业了？我连我自己到底在做什么都不知道，这样还能毕业吗？再这样继续做下去会觉得人生真的很没有意义，而人生也真的会变成很没有意义啊。但没有人可以帮我，我们在这世上始终是孤单一人。

listenting to: 自己哼着的《华丽的挑战》主题曲

when will all this end?

will it even end? i m about to 崩溃 already.for 2 consecutive days i have cried out loud in lab,with nobody around and i dun even know how to start explaining what i have been through these few days.nobody can help me too.how can anybody else understand what u have been thru if they have not been thru it.we r already running out of time n i have done nothing.i have done nothing not because i have nothing,i have done so much already,but none are useful,i really feel so tired and feel like abandoning all this.what does she know?she thinks we haven't tried hard enough,but what does she know?maybe she have been through it before,but does that give her the right to make us go through the same thing?

my only consolation now is listening to super junior's songs,listening to their voices,the voices i m even more familiar with than my frens,the voices that are so soothing,telling me everything is going to be fine.yesterday when i was bawling my heart out,i heard the line in 'snow white' (their japanese song),'baby don't cry, it's all right now' and cried even more.yeah maybe all this torture now will turn out to be just an insignificant part of my life in future,something to laugh at when i look back.just like how they have gone through so much,maybe they have lost a lot,but they have gained much too..i guess i shld be strong like them..

when can i end this?

as i try to do my assignment,i really feel hopeless and life is meaningless.i don't understand what i m supposed to do and i have no interest to find out.i don't try to do well,i just want to have something to submit.i just want to end it quickly and sleep.but alas,i can't sleep even if i finish it because i still have a test tml and 1 more assignment due the day after.when will all this mental torture stop?

why is living so difficult.i just want to survive.i m ok even if u call me a weakling.being a weakling is so easy.i don't even want to be good or strong.i just want to end all this.can someone help me?

life is good..or that's only what i hope

recently i dunno if i m living or just doing what i m supposed and expected to do.i feel like a zombie.i feel like i m not existing.i feel like i m not living for myself but living for others.i feel like abandoning all this and just being a bad person and what they call 'loser in life',just so that i can be happy with myself.i dun need others to survive,i m not like other ppl.i like to be alone and dun really care abt how others see me,even my frens.to me being happy is the most impt and to be happy i dun need others to confirm me

又不是这样就不孤独

有爱又有什么用处 又不是这样就不孤独

或许人们在爱情里寻找的就是陪伴吧。就算找到自己的理想型又怎样，如果那个人没有办法陪伴你，有办法长久吗？近水楼台先得月这句话不是没有道理的，人都是习惯的动物，习惯了一个人在你身边的感觉，你还有办法让他离开你吗？

盛夏光年

从来没有看一部电影有那么纠结的感觉，肚子里象有无数蝴蝶一样。即使是最简单的场景、台词，甚至即使没有台词，只是背景音乐搭配着角色的一个眼神、一个动作，都会让人又想哭的感觉。或许是我已经知道电影内容的关系，我从电影的一开始演角色小时候的故事时就已经在流泪了。

我其实不是个适合看艺术片的人，特别是这种没有结局的结局，让我有点抓狂。但是我了解导演想要给人们自己的想象空间，有时候东西太明了就不美了。我在网上看了许多人对这部电影和结局的了解，希望能够得到更多不一样的观点，或许能对这个电影了解得更透彻。但既然没有一个正确答案，自己的感觉最重要。有时候跟着感觉走也未尝不是一件好事。

以下我对这部电影以及人物的了解。我觉得最有趣的角色不是康正行，是余守恒。有很多人讨论他结局说的那句“你真的是我最好的朋友”的意义。他到底对正行有没有超过朋友的情感？如果没有，为什么他要主动和正行上床？还有，杜慧嘉到底是喜欢正行还是守恒？如果她其实还是喜欢正行（有些人说那最后一张照片背后的意义就是表示她其实还喜欢正行），而且又知道正行喜欢守恒，为什么要和守恒在一起？

我其实到现在都没有一个答案，也应该永远都没有答案。人的心情和想法本来就是未必自己就会了解的。曾几何时我们也因为不知道自己的真正的想法是什么而难以抉择。或许守恒只当正行是最最要好的朋友，当时他的地位绝对在慧嘉之上。如果要他回答正行的问题（“我还是慧嘉”），我肯定他会说“正行”的。童年的记忆是最深刻的。即使守恒现在变得受欢迎（球友加看他打篮球的女生加他系上的同学），有很多朋友了，他还是没有忘记在他小时候唯一陪伴他的朋友。正行的存在在他心中是不会那么容易被替代的。其实这部电影最让我伤心的不是正行爱上自己最好的朋友的痛苦，而是守恒把正行看得那么重要却因为自己无法满足他的愿望而感到痛苦。很多人说守恒很自私，又要正行这个朋友，又要慧嘉这个女朋友。但是这是他的错吗？人们不是都如此吗？这本来就不是谁的错，只是事情就这样发生了。