As the bells go

In mechelen train station now, just ended second day of the alone trip. Everything was OK. Except that I may need a new umbrella. U never appreciate what u have until u dun have it anymore. As I sit alone in the cold in the bell tower, hearing the wind howling (literally) about me, I thought of everyone close to me. Everyone who bothered to express concern to me. Everyone who would talk to me regularly, even if it is about themselves.

No man is an island, I agree. So no matter how unwilling I m to open up this island of myself, I have no choice but to do it, when I need help. People are generally nice even if they don't seem so. They will answer if u ask. Let's not be too self conscious.

On my own to belgium

I should be too cold and too tired to type. I have felt alone when travelling alone in Asian countries. Now I realise the importance of blending in to me. I don't like to be different and get the weird stares and negative treatment from others. I feel like an alien. Maybe others don't view me as that and I m thinking too much of something but it doesn't matter. I don't like that feeling. And I don't like the cold. How do people get motivation to even get out of their room when outside is so cold? I just feel like hibernating.

I am far from going back but I want to count down to it. But I know I shouldn't because it will just make it worse when I see that I m so far and so long away from home. I want the warmth of my country, the familiarity of language and the mundane life I have been having. I can live everyday the same.

the warmth from familiarity

nope i haven't miss eating rice yet. what i miss is the warmth, ppl who r not tt outgoing but who care abt me, ppl who i can understand and who can understand me. without all these, now i m depending on the warmth of familiar songs and shows to keep me going. i just want to be myself, i dun wan to change myself to fit into the crowd, because i realised that makes me uncomfortable and even more unhappy. i dun need to make everyone like me, i dun need to make everyone happy. i just have to be myself confidently and do what i want to do and those who can accept me will be ok, those who cannot i dun need to care.

one thing gd abt netherlands and dutch tt i heard and read this past few days is that they make friends only because they need to use them. this is in line with my thinking, might sound selfish to others but it doesn't matter. i like to be by myself unless i need help. and i need frens when i need help. i dun mind ppl approaching me if they need help, and i dun mind them being my frens only because they want to use me. i will help wherever i can. it feels easier for me that way. it's too tiring to keep trying to do something u dun wan to do.

张杰 is officially my new idol. his voice is so warm, his songs keep me warm even though i m walking in the snow. the thought tt true love exists in the world (杰么娜), tt someone loves you wholeheartedly and is loyal to u forever and see the side of u tt nobody else can see. 这大概就是爱情最美的样子