another year end like any other

i don't know why i like this feeling of sitting/lying cozily in my room on new year eve and just watching shows while the whole world is out there partying. tho this year probably everyone is partying at home since we can't go out. i feel like i m living history, with a pandemic that i thought only happen in history books. anyway, for me life still goes on as if nothing is happening. i m not making any difference to the world, but i nv blamed the world for anything, nv thought it owed me anything, and nv took it for granted. such is the life of an insignificant dust in the universe.

不是在工作就是在找工作的路上..

yup that is my life. still struggling to concentrate on 'studying' for my technical interview tomorrow. i need to treat it like an exam, because it actually is. an exam that decides my life forward. an exam that i want to pass. i have not cared about exams much when i was a student. i mean i studied for them, but i didn't get nervous or felt like it was a make or break. but this time it does feels like that. the feeling that i dunno what i will get in the exam, having a high probability that i will break down during and after it. i m already breaking down now by dreading what is to come. but what i can i do? other than ploughing through life and facing everything head-on. just tell myself, so what even if i fail it? it's not like i will die..yeah right..

我想要走开..

Random title because that is the line I m singing along to (小宇的一个光年的距离) as I was thinking about what title to give this post. Preparing for a coding technical test that I need to complete by today 5.54pm, I really don't know what I m feeling right now. 

I want to pass it to prove that I can pass a coding technical test because I haven't passed one in my life up till now. I want to be given a choice to choose a job which is higher-paying. But I don't want to leave my comfort zone. I don't want to lead a stressful life. I don't want to push myself to learn new things everyday. I don't want to take the risk to leave a helpful and nice team and plunge myself into a 深渊.

But come to think of it, I am not thinking so deep actually. I am just purely unable to concentrate for so long on something so serious. I don't feel like working hard, because the harder I work, the more it shows that I care for it, and I have a feeling it won't turn out well anyway. Why make myself disappointed? But the thing is, I guess I already care about it a lot even if I am trying to tell myself I don't. What is this helpless feeling...

first post of the year

Noticed that I have 3 posts last year. The number of posts = the number of times I am bored enough to come to write here. And my definition of bored is not that I have nothing to do. It is when I have to get something done but it is so boring I cannot get myself to finish it. But what can we do, we still have to do what we hate to do sometimes, even at a time when some people in the world are dying.

Actually there is no moment when there is no one dying I guess. This world is just filled with helplessness and hopelessness everywhere, that I have become immune to it. I only care about myself, my own feelings. And I am feeling bad right now even though it's not my fault. But what can we do, the phrase 人言可畏 is so true and sometimes the majority always think they are right. It is always easy to blame others without understanding the details, and people only believe what they want to believe, and they believe they are always right.

So I guess I just gotta go do what I need to do at the moment, which is the damn report and presentation and report summary and poster..never ending. And do whatever makes me happy. And not to feel too down because of others, who don't even care if I am feeling down or not.