nobody said it was easy..

i jus suddenly realised that the lyrics of the song fits the situation i m in now..nobody said singing was easy..but i just wanted to sing happily..i didn't want it to become a burden,a worry,just like how taking japanese as a subject killed all my interest in it..maybe i m just too 软弱 to go through all the pain to achieve excellence,but i just want to be happy..i've never felt so tired of singing before..this isn't the person who had said so passionately "i like singing!" anymore..

maybe a person like me can never succeed,can only forever be a "jack of all trades and master of none"..but it doesn't matter to me..i just want to be touched by music again..i just want to be selfish..i just want myself to be happy..

listening to: the scientist by coldplay

falalala..

this is wat i m singing now..like not kidding..i m singing as i m typing it..singing along with a midi..this is the 3rd consecutive year i m going to spend dec caroling again..it's quite special also in that for these 3 years,i've been caroling with 3 different choirs..with totally different ppl..first is my jc choir,then my hall choir,then now is uni choir..so some of the scores i have 3 sets..e.g like joy to the world,white christmas,ding dong..these are pieces that i guess ppl find too nice to change..my uni choir has quite many pieces that they rearranged and i felt like dying when i saw them cos i m alto and i have to relearn all those weird notes!and their arrangements are harder to sing..sigh..in my hall choir i was put in sop 2 and so last year i also had to learn some new carols (tho it is the melody and much easier to sing) because even tho they are the melody,i have never heard of them before haha..

tml is choir camp and i still have i dunno how many carols unlearnt..how come i didn't there are so many carols in the world?as in we always hear the same few ones on the streets right?

listening to and singing: ding dong merrily on high

tired and inspired..

finished exams today and went for a fren's 新书座谈会 to give her a surprise..20 years old and she's already published her first book (i'd really like to say the title here but am afraid of 'exposing' my blog to anyone i know.i can only say i m very determined not to let anyone i know discover this during my lifetime,though probably no one is interested in it anyway)..it's sort of a diary of the times she had bipolar disorder (in more layman's terms,it's a kind of depression) and a reflection of those times and how she got out of it..we were classmates during her most difficult times but i m guilty of not noticing her mood swings and the difficult period she was going thru..but,being the strong girl that she is,she gradually recovered from it and is now a cheerful girl again (though she admitted she still had down times and is still on medication)..

sometimes i admire wat others have achieved and look at my own life..i live a happy life and under the protection of my parents and without any major episodes in my life,i do not feel a need to change and thus my personality can only be summarised in one word: lazy.maybe i need some big unhappy thing to fall on me before i change,but i hope it will never come.anyway i m too drowsy now to want to write anything more..

and suddenly i realised i wanted to write this entry because i wanted to complain how i dun feel like exams are over because choir camp is next monday and i haven't started learning those carols that i m supposed to have known already and i totally don't feel like starting.procrastinate is my middle name.ok actually i have no middle name since i m a chinese.so procrastinate can be my full name then.ok watever.i m talking crap now.

p.s. my arms are aching because i had to carry 2 dictionaries + 2 harry potters/university physics textbook(which is heavier than 4 harry potters) to sch and back today.and tomorrow i am playing badminton.nice one.

(blank)

exactly 24 hours more to the end of torture..but only 2 hours left until the 'last' hurdle..and i m dying..not because of lack of sleep and staying up the whole night..but because my mind now is like the title of this entry..good luck to me..

listening to: Chopin's Fantaisie-Impromptu

die...

i couldn't think of another word to write as the title even though i don't feel nervous or wat..it's not that i m highly self-confident but because my parents don't give me (immense) pressure though my mum does show disappointment and signs of strictness when my results aren't up to her expectations (she has quite high expectations though)..i shouldn't be here writing all these but i have resisted the urge to write an entry for the whole week already..i must now before my exam starts in less than 8 hours..oo which means i can never have the standard 8 hours of sleep a person should have daily,even if i teleport to sch tml..haha ok tt's out of the point (anyway studies say young ppl only need to slp 6 hours daily..i guess i m not that young then..i need 10)

just endure this 1 week and 2 days and all will be gone!though choir pracs will start (sigh)..but at least i get to indulge in leehom music and videos at times when i m not singing songs (notes rather) that i totally dun understand and cannot appreciate..i need to buck up though..and employ that undying 'leehom' determination in music!i can do it man!ok but now i think i shld concentrate and go back to my readings for the exam..though i know it's impossible to finish them..(half a sem's readings in less than 8 hours when i take at least 2 to read one?unless i m a scanner-_-)

listening to: nothing

奇思妙想...

刚在上厕所时忽然想到了一种很肉麻来形容爱情的方式。

我的人生在遇到她之前也不算是空白的。我的人生如果是一本书，那大多数的页面都是填得满满的，不论是工作、朋友、还是家人。唯独最后那一页，也是我最不想翻到的那页，“爱情”，是空白的。我并不是不想在那页画上我最真诚的心，只是我害怕会得不到我想要的回应，把那珍贵的一页给弄脏了。或许有些人会觉得这种想法太保守了，但我就是没有办法对谁真正的打开我的心。我甚至曾经想过干脆把那页给撕了，这样它就不会一直提醒着我它的空白。但是我知道就算是把它撕了，也不能否认它的曾经存在，因为被撕掉的痕迹永远都无法消灭。

直到我遇到了她。她任意的在我的“爱情”页上“涂鸦”，也没有经过我的同意。一开始对她的做法有点厌烦，但心底深处却有个声音叫我不要阻止。直到某一天，我偶然翻到了那一页一看，发现上面有着缤纷的色彩，和我以前想象的不堪涂鸦完全不同。或许是因为我看她的眼神不一样了，或许是我一开始就用了“有色眼镜”去看她，但那都不重要了。重要的是，现在那最后一页不但有了色彩，也是我人生这本书里最亮眼的一页。我会尽我一切的努力去维持它的色彩，不让它退色，也希望我能在她的那本书上成为最灿烂的一页。

listening to: 爱你就等于爱自己 by 王力宏

在那遥远的地方...

正有那么多人在用音乐来丰富他们的生命。或者应该说，音乐就是他们的生命。很多人不会知道他们的存在，不会听到他们美妙的音乐，但他们自得其乐。如果有人把他们的音乐融入主流，或许大众听到的不是他们真正最原始的音乐，但是至少会让大家知道世界上的某一个地方是有那么一些美妙的东西存在的。比较有心的人甚至会试着去了解他们，学习他们好的地方，好让好音乐可以发扬光大。

今天看了一整天有关于王力宏的东西，包括音乐、电影、生平等，让我不得不佩服他。如果要我介绍一首歌让你马上爱上他和他的音乐，我介绍《心中的日月》。最好还是边听边看mv。如果要我介绍一张专辑让你马上崇拜他，我介绍的一样是《心中的日月》。最好还是听了后看一下他在2005年上的那集《康熙来了》。他在节目中介绍了这张专辑和里头的音乐。

我还记得2005年第16届台湾金曲奖，那是最尴尬的事发生在他的身上。（我在2006年还有一个blog entry写了这整件事的来龙去脉）他因为听错了名字而以为自己得了最佳国语男歌手奖跑上台去，没想到得奖的是黄立行。我看了之后超同情他也替他感到惋惜，因为《心中的日月》是我当年最喜欢的专辑了。看完金曲奖后刚好下一个节目播的是王力宏上《康熙来了》宣传《心中的日月》那集，我在不知不觉中就想看下去（虽然已经凌晨了）。看完后我更是替他感到可惜了。刚刚我又去看了那一届的入围和得奖名单。《心中的日月》居然没有得到半个奖！而且也没有任何歌曲入围作词作曲奖，只有《竹林深处》入围编曲奖。我并不是一个“王力宏迷”，并不是在这里乱发牢骚，我只想说金曲奖或许真的和大众口味是相反的。（我自认是一个非常mainstream的人，不懂得欣赏别人所谓“有深度”的音乐，对流行音乐倒是情有独钟。）

虽然王力宏在一年后的17届得了他早该得的最佳国语男歌手奖，但是因为节目的编排总让人觉得是在弥补他去年的尴尬，这样来说非常的不公平。我这样说也不是无中生有的，因为我又去查了那一届的入围名单，他居然只入围了最佳国语男歌手那一项！wikipedia上所谓他卖得最好也是反映最好的专辑《盖世英雄》居然没有入围任何其他奖项！这样让他得最佳国语男歌手也未免太敷衍了吧！

ok 我发现我有点偏离我一开始想说的话题了。我写这个entry的目的是想说一下关于...标题。哈哈有点废话的感觉。《在那遥远的地方》是《心中的日月》中的歌曲，但是曲是源自中国一个少数民族的民歌。我是因为王力宏才认识这首歌，当时只是觉得这首歌很好听，也知道是来自一个民谣，但是没有去多管。今天又去调查了这首歌，才发现有那么多版本！简直是什么编曲都有，奔放的，抒情的，hiphop的（王力宏版本），什么叫做一首歌有一百种唱法，我今天第一次见证到（我是说“听”到）！音乐真的是一种很美妙的东西，也不应该被局限。只要心中有情感的人，都可以用音乐抒发感情。无论对他人而言是否悦耳，只要自己觉得可以让自己心情愉悦，那就已经够了。当然，如果可以像王力宏那样用音乐来感动人当然更好啦！

listening to: various versions of 在那遥远的地方

这世界太热闹，还好我们很安静...

nearing the end of the sem soon.just like my brother said,uni life passes like nobody's business.i bet some time later i will be stepping out to the society to work.i've been too slack this sem.my bed is too nice.my com is too fun.my mind is too blank.it is too dark outside(meaning now because there's a storm outside and a thunder just made my heart skip a beat).

i have been too lax on myself.seeing what others can achieve and have achieved,i m ashamed of myself.but i can't bear to put stress on myself.i cannot discipline myself.i realise i cannot continue this but i can't seem to put a step forward in the other(and correct) direction.i feel unworhty of my blog title.每个选择路口，我都挑容易的走。maybe it's high time i shld choose the difficult but better road.2 more days for me to catch up wat i m supposed to catch up.i know it is not enough but i can only do wat i can do in this short time.

anyway wat inspired me to write this entry is my jc fren.she is going to publish her book in nov(not mentioning the title here unless my blog pops up in the search engine and gets found out by some frens).not really sure about the exact contents but it is about herself in her troubled times.she's a malaysian but came to singapore to study jc for 2 years.she was an excellent student but faced some troubles in the course of searching self and finding what her aim in life was.but now she is ok already.

perhaps everyone will feel unsure about oneself at some point in life.just that it might come at any time and for me it hasn't even come yet because i m so immature and lax on myself.i don't like to face reality.i don't like change.i don't like to have to work hard for something in case i cannot get it and feel disappointed.i don't want to feel happy so that i will not feel sad.i m like the rose in the song."afraid of dying" and thus "never learns to live".

ok enough of emoing.it's time to start proper on my studies and face the "reality" and walk down the road which might not be the most difficult but is certainly filled with uncertainties...

listening to: 很安静 by 飞轮海

keep left...

Question: Is there any difference if we wear our earphones on the wrong side?(other than the unfittingness to our ears)

Answer: Yes!

weirdly,i wore it on the wrong side and did not feel it(maybe my ears are symmetrical or wat).i thought my phone cable(for connecting phone and earphones) is spoilt again because i keep on thinking the volume on the left side is much softer than the right.i could distinctly feel the difference from normal but cannot tell the cause.after 2 hours of listening,i realised i put them on the wrong sides.mm.so the moral of the story is,the left side of the earphones play music louder?that's wat i feel from this experience because when i put it back on the correct sides i felt perfectly normal like both sides are the same volume.maybe our ears(or my ears?) are accustomed to the louderness on the left already.another reason is the drums and bass stuff are more on the left side so it is louder there..mm..will go and search the net when i got time..

i am home...

i didn't know not having choir prac can make my days so much more relaxing..tho it's jus 1.5 prac..i wonder how my life will be like if i didn't join choir in the first place..maybe i will be much happier than i m now..but no use regretting now..wat's set is set and i cannot regret it since it's my own choice in the first place..

found out that the best 安眠药 is lecture notes.if u want to sleep on a bus but cannot do so,just bring out your lecture notes and u will be asleep before u can read finish the first sentence/equation on your notes..trust me man..this hasn't failed for me before..

listening to: I need you by 郭采洁

you had a bad day...

Last wed was not a good one and i had to wait 45 min for my bus and it was raining heavily..took some photos at the busstop while waiting..

wanted to capture the 2 birds hiding from the rain in a small hole of the mrt track.so cute!and unexpectedly caught the rain too..thought it was quite invisible from my phone camera..

i lost count of the number of such trucks passing by before my bus came..now i keep on thinking about my concrete lab when i see these trucks..and my lecturer lecturing animated about cement+water+fine aggregate+coarse aggregate..haha..now i feel an attachment to these trucks..looking at the drums rotate and thinking how the cement is mixing inside..

i had a bad day..but life is like that isn't it..there are good days and there are bad days..without bad days the good days won't feel good probably..

listening to: You are my angel by 张怀秋

累了，你就回家...

回到那一年的幸福时光...

been living too hectic life starting since..i dunno when..perhaps last friday?when i realised i m so lagging behind in my studies and i can afford no more playing of games (tho it didn't stop me from finding a new drama that i m crazy over now..seen from the title of this entry)..the average/mean/median (or watever u wan to call it) time that i have been slping for the past week is 4.30am,with maximum of 5.30am (and waking up at 6.30am..i might as well not slp)..but i survived..humans are much stronger than they think they are,as can be seen by me from this week..i have always wanted to write an entry for the past week to describe my 'non-human' life,but it has really been impossible to waste any second of my precious slping time so i had to force myself to not deviate from wat i m doing..i realise my attention span is quite short too..

now is another time i shldn't be writing this..but i m here..spent a good 2 hours jus now scanning through harry potter 5/6 (movie)..or else i could have slept by now..and jus spent 15 min on a qn and i realise i m wrong from the start..so had to come write this now..hope the next time i write here will be for a happy thing and hopefully about some drama that i had time to watch..

listening to: 回到原来 by 林忆莲

woha!

ok WOHA is actually the name of an architecture firm and winner of many architecture awards involving environmentally friendly stuff..but y wld i wan to put that as the title of my post?today i borrowed a book from my sch's library for the 1st time in my life in uni..never knew that the books were actually 1 level down from the entrance(the entrance is the 4th level-_-) ..i searched through books (with effort and aim) for the 1st time..really proud of myself..even used that chair thing to get to the highest shelf..funny thing is that the books i wan are always on the highest shelf..but i amazed myself a lot today..there are so many books and info in my sch library!but those critical to my course(engineering) won't probably be on the borrowable shelves..cos they wld be textbooks in the reference sections..

weirdly i have a fear for the reference section of the library that even i myself can't understand..maybe the fact that the books there cannot be borrowed shows their importance and it makes me respect them more..anyway that's not impt..

today i accomplished something that i've wanted to do since before hols..never put in effort until the deadline is near(this fri)..but was amazed at wat i cld actually do if i put effort into it..tho i still have some way to go cos i haven't got the results yet..can't find the way to it..but i believe i will be able to find it!

listening to: 亡命之徒 by 纵贯线

i m feeling bad..

this is the worst holidays i've ever had.nothing done(actually some done,i wld say 20% maybe).much more to be done.20 things to do*,and if i could have done one to 100%(perfection),i didn't.instead i have 20 things each done 1%(on the average.the lowest wld be 0% and the highest wld be 40%?)can it be worse i ask myself?no i can't think of it worse,because it was the least i cld have done.i admit that i wasted my hols AGAIN within expectations(tho my last 2 days were quite 'fruitful',that is compared to the previous 7 days),but the amt of work was not to be kidded with.and now i have no more hols to waste.y i m writing this now when i've got more impt things at hand is because..I SIMPLY HAVE TO RECORD THIS DISGUSTING MOMENT DOWN!!!ok i m in uni year 2 sem 1 now,mid sem break ended 42 minutes ago and the worst is coming soon.watch out for more!

*20 is a figurative number

借着铅笔说爱你...

我不想因为喜欢你而逃避你，但又没有办法不这样做。我很想坦然的面对你，我很想告诉你我从很早的时候就喜欢你了，但是我却没有勇气，也没有信心。即使我们只维持在现在的朋友关系，我也没有办法用真实的自己去面对你，因为真实的我是喜欢你的，但在你面前我却必须把它隐藏得没有人会发现，包括你在内。我想不去在乎，也有很多时候我是可以做到的，但你又会出现，让我不能无视你的存在。我不想恨你，但又没办法控制自己。或许这是一种自我保护的反射动作吧，我不想受伤...

it's the rose afraid of dying, that never learns to live...

listening to: ただ、君を愛してる movie ost

help!!!

help me!!!i m dying under studies again..this sem is under projects..lots and lots of them..and activities that last until 10pm..sigh..is this the life that i chose?why did i choose it?do i have a chance to rechoose my life?maybe i have..but i tink i most probably will choose the same one again..so what can i say except that..I MUST BE MAD!!!

listening to: 出口 by 徐佳莹

慢慢等...

“我会慢慢等、慢慢等、慢慢等、慢慢等”..这就是我现在的心情。等待是不好受的，但也是别无选择的，所以也只好继续“慢慢等”了...

singING...

today i went for 2 auditions,choir and acapella..the choir one was not good because i was nervous..it has been long since i sang properly in front of ppl..the 5th time i went for a choir audition i realised..1st one in sec sch,2 in jc,1 in hall..i can still rmb how nervours i felt when i went for the first jc one..(the sec sch one can't really rmb)..i had this feeling that everyone who went for the auditions was in their sec sch choir so they had experience and i felt inferior..i didn't know wat i was supposed to do during auditions..but now that i think about it i felt that it was only during that time that i sang without so much thought and worries..the pitching part was actually quite dun because i have never done it before and it was interesting to test myself to see whether i can sing wat i hear..failed that 1st jc one and didn't get into choir anyway..haha..

hope that i can continue singing..i often thought about a question..would i rather lose my speech or hearing abilities..if i cannot hear,i wld live in a world without music which is simply dreadful..if i lose my voice,i cannot sing and that is something i dun even wan to think about..but in the end i think i will choose to be able to hear..cos of 1 simple reason..wat's the point of being able to sing if i can't even hear wat i m singing right?!haha ok this is quite a lame qn..

it's been long..

sigh..going to start sch liao..it's been a long hol,but i know the next sem will be the scariest in uni life and i dread it..i have mixed feelings jus like most ppl i think..going to sch after 3 months of hols is exciting but after the exciting part ends,the disgusting part sets in..and i have 6 modules next sem!dunno how i m going to survive it..but we always survive them,don't we?humans are stronger than we think i guess..so jus dun tink about it and get thru it i guess..haha..ok back to singing..

listening to: 可以不爱了 by 梁文音

福气又安康..

新戏，有蓝正龙和陈乔恩主演。第一次听主题曲时觉得编曲有点奇怪，也不太符合这部戏的感觉，但多听几次觉得还蛮不错的，会不经意想跟着唱。果然是姜是老的辣阿！（由伍思凯作曲演唱）片尾曲也是蛮不错的，片中的钢琴部分也蛮感伤的。去查了一下，原来原声带已经出了！好快！停了一下，发现了里头由范逸臣演唱的《离开悲伤》是最好听的。原来这首歌在他的精选集里就有了，但不是主打歌所以我没听过。超好听，超感人的啦！而且也蛮符合剧情的，谢福安带着严大风离开悲伤，带给他温暖，却也带他走向另一种悲伤，也就是爱情。歌曲虽然叫《离开悲伤》，但简直就是听了更伤心嘛！听着听着就会想到未来的剧情（虽然才播到第2集），严大风如何慢慢发现自己爱上谢福安，如何无法表达出自己的内心，如何变成一个温暖的人。虽然这种剧情很典型也已经演到烂了，但还是会很引人想看下去，这就是戏剧的厉害之处吧。

listening to: 离开悲伤 by 范逸臣

默默..

今天我终于知道他一直喜欢的人是谁。他在msn上的nickname所指的都是这个人(14/3/09 没有如果..)。我比他还更早认识她，跟她是点头之交。我很惊讶他居然这么的坦诚地在自己的部落格上写下自己对她的所有心情。或许他就是这么坦率得可爱的人吧，就跟他喜欢的女生一样，所以他才会喜欢她。我读着他的心情故事，奇怪的，虽然心里很难过，全身起鸡皮疙瘩，但却没有掉一滴眼泪。我已经知道我们是朋友，但是我还是会难过。人就是这么奇怪的动物。我真的很希望他不要对我像对其他的朋友一样好。

现在想想，命运真的很奇妙。我本来在想，如果他没祝我生日快乐，我就真的可以把他当成比普通朋友还普通的同学。昨天是我生日，本来我已经很开心的放弃希望了，但是今天他忽然又祝我生日快乐，还说自己没有忘记。在我对他道谢时，偶然发现了他的部落格，才读了他的故事。在我还没有开心一分钟之后就让我发现了他喜欢的对象。是不是老天要我完全忘记他？但是要怎么忘记一个还会跟你一样科系四年的人呢？难道要故意躲开他吗？这样只会更记得他吧？为什么我们要变成这样的陌生？难道之前一起做的事情都只是我的幻觉，都不算数吗？

我真的好讨厌他。我真的好希望找到一个真正懂得我的人。

listening to: 默默 by 飞轮海

梁祝

大前天去借了《武侠梁祝》来看，是一直以来很想看的一部片。看得泪流不止，忽然想到中四时用5毛钱买的一本旧书《梁祝》，只是薄薄的一本，但当时因为没有真正读过《梁祝》的故事所以就买了。读了才发现后面部分最高潮的地方少了几页，简直就是气死人了！但是还是被感动了。现在去找那本书却找不到了，有点伤心，因为很想再读一次，毕竟用读的比较能够了解当中的细节，也比较不会有太多为了娱乐效果而增加的搞笑部分。

调查了一下有关梁祝的戏剧和电影，发现除了《武侠梁祝》还有1994年吴奇隆和杨采妮主演的电影，2004年萧亚轩和刘若英配音的动画电影，和2007年何润东和董洁主演的戏剧。因为有工作必须早睡所以只看了一下最感人的片段，也就是最后梁山伯知道不能和祝英台在一起而吐血，还有祝英台跳进梁山伯的坟墓的片段。简直就是无数把的鼻涕和眼泪，劝大家还是准备好纸巾。听了吕思清的《梁祝-小提琴协奏曲》就会不断联想到梁祝相爱却不能爱的悲剧。动画版本的两首歌曲《你是我心中一句惊叹》和《蝴蝶》也是非常动听，虽然不是悲壮的，却也是扣人心弦让人不禁流下眼泪的。

或许只有死后化蝶才能让梁祝不再被社会给拆散，永远的在一起..

listening to: 梁祝-小提琴协奏曲

i dun wanna work..

after countless resume sendings,i got a job jus now..and i feel like dying..can i dun start so early!sigh..i need to enjoy my last night without work..by watching my fav show!o ya..anyway,the 3rd job in my life is 'crowd controller' in a hospital..not sure if that's the name or even if there's a name for it..it's to ensure each patient only has max of 1 visitor..in this time when 'swine flu' replaces 'SARS' as the scariest word in the world,job opportunities are destroyed(in Mexico mainly)..but they are also created..at least in Singapore..temporary temperature takers and my current job etc etc..wish everyone good health!

这次是真的没有如果了..

今天我正式离开了，离开了笑容灿烂的他，离开了在我需要帮助时会来救我的他，离开了在我开心或不开心时都会想到的他，离开了唱歌时会想到的他，离开了在睡不着时会想到的他。我知道我不会离开想他，我会一直想，‘如果’当初我做了这个决定，我们或许会变得不一样，‘如果’我能打破我自己的观念、害怕、胆小，或许今天我们还在一起，但现在我既然已经做出这样的决定，我就告诉自己不能后悔。因为这世界上没有如果，只有活在当下，把握住当下才最重要。没有一个人是不能没有另一个人的，每个人都有独自活着的能力。我或许不会再遇到另一个像他一样的人，但未来还长，我又怎么知道我不会遇到一个比他更好、更适合我的人呢？虽然还是会不经意地想起他，但是现在，就让我把这份单恋放下，继续我美好的人生吧！

listening to: 没有如果 by 梁静茹

stress..

one more exam to go..it has been quite stressful for the past one week..having 5 exams on 6 days is not funny..it might have seem normal in secondary sch when we even have like 2 on 1 day for the whole week(because of the number of subjects we have then)but it cannot be compared to uni because we learn stuff in less than 4 months which we wld have learnt in 1 year in sec sch..and studying for exams isn't like revising..it is like the first time seeing the stuff cos u dun even have time to read them during term time..i crammed half of a module into my head in like 3 hours and went into the exam hall..

another thing is the weather..it's raining now..but it's the first time i see the temperature on my roommate's clock drop to less than 29 degree celsius for this past week..average is 33 and highest was 34.8 i tink..amazing weather huh-_- global warming is definitely coming fast..but looking at the wastage of paper in exams(single sided,1 whole page for 1 small part of the qn,1 booklet of 10 pieces of paper for 1 qn!? super big font etc..),i tink nus is not playing a big part in helping to save the earth huh-_-

count++;

didn't want to count..but now i have to..it might be a guinness world record..let me count the number of people who asked me programming(the most popular medium being msn)..initialising count to 0..

hallmate no.1(him), no.2(her), no.3(the softie)
coursemate no.1(the smart one), no.2(the cutie pie), no.3(the friendly one), no.4(the kiasu one), no.5(the beng one), no.6(prc), no.7(ex-tutorial mate)
ex-hallmates no.1(the badminton proer), no.2(her roommate), no.3(the pe teacher)

the peak period is the day before the test,4 msn windows on at the time talking abt the same thing..this is mad..

如果没有如果..nothing is impossible part 2..

the wonderful and sometimes 奇特 experience finished last week when the concert ended..i looked back at my post in january this year when i still cldn't believe that i was in an acapella grp..now it still seems so miraculous that i got chosen..and after all this experience the whole thing seemed even more unbelievable and out-of-the-world..ok i m anyhow using english words that i do not exactly know the meaning of..but that's the point..

the point is that i really treasure this memory now..it always doesn't seem so 'treasurable' when u are in the situation..u take it for granted and assumes that it is normal..but after that u realise that it is not something that will come by everyday in your life..treasure your uni life that is..so i decided to go fo it!as in the auditions next year for choir and the acapella group in nus..not very certain that i will get in,esp for the acapella one..and not even sure if it suits me,but wat's life without trying and 'taking risks'?i know that if i get out of uni i wldn't have this kind of chance anymore,so it wld be better to grab hold of them while they are still within reach..

really thx to all the members in the aca group i was in..i always feel that it is amazing that 7 people with totally different personalities and life experience(and nationality too) can come together and work hard for the same thing..music makes the world go round and it doesn't matter what language u sing..everyone of them taught me a lot and i feel that i have got a lot to learn from them..jus want to say a big THANK YOU to all of them!

o ya and it is really cool to get to know a person u admire,though i might not know him as well as others..i got to see the real him which is like TOTALLY different from what i perceived him to be when i started admiring him..haha..cannot say that it is a disappointment,but it is quite a shock..haha..we cannot judge a book by its cover definitely...hehe

当我们宅一起..

第一次感觉到自己像偶像剧中的女主角似的，被男主角保护着。‘近水楼台先得月’这句话不是说假的，‘宅’在一起（虽然只是同宿舍）真的可以发生很多事（请不要想歪歪）。譬如凌晨还可以面对面问他功课、可以帮彼此打包食物、帮对方拿房间钥匙、半夜叫他来帮我抓甲虫之类的奇奇怪怪的事情。所以说戏剧的桥段虽然有时看起来不可思议但其实也是有可能发生的，只是机率比较低而且可能不是发生在自己身上而已。

他真的就像偶像剧里的男主角一样，像王子一般地在我需要他的时候出现（虽然都是我用朋友的身份拜托他的），害我现在每次发生什么事情都会第一个想到他。觉得压力很大而没有人能帮助我的时候就会想到他，只有他把我当成普通的女生而不会只是想利用我。（虽然有时也是会利用我，哈哈）他会听我诉苦而且给一些不算太有建设性但听起来也不错的安慰。他的笑总是那么真诚，他房间的味道、他的声音、他背着书包走路的背影总是让我感到那么熟悉。我害怕我会离开他，但我却知道那也是无济于事。我只希望我们之间能够有多一点共同的回忆，那么以后见到彼此也不会感到陌生，至少是存在着美好的。

listening to: 背影 by 林宥嘉

没有如果..

如果我说 爱我没有如果 错过就过 你是不是会难过？

我想你应该不会难过，因为你从来就没有喜欢过我，只是把我当朋友。现在的我也没有奢望什么，但是看到你的nickname 还是会难过。为什么你的心情写照常常也是我的，但是我的是对你，而你的是对别人呢？我常常觉得这很讽刺，甚至有点像“螳螂捕蝉，黄雀在后”。为什么我要这么笨的去喜欢一个喜欢别人的人呢？

我们这么靠近，却也这么遥远。

我很害怕失去一个自己喜欢的人。

放手应该会让自己比较好受。(added on 6th Apr 09)

就这样结束了，再见，再也不见。(added on 19th Apr 09)

你是这么想的吗，虽然是对别人？因为我也是这么想的，而且是对你。为什么你要对每个人都那么好，让我认为自己有希望，却也知道你只是把我当普通朋友。我喜欢你的友善和诚恳，但却也讨厌这种不踏实的感觉。你是我第一个喜欢的人，也是第一个对我那么好的男生。你没有完美的性格，但是你对我来说是那么真实且存在的，让我第一次知道自己不是欣赏而是真的喜欢上一个人。再过一个月我就不能这样看着你了，所以我很珍惜现在的时光，我希望这可以成为我美好的回忆，而且我也没有后悔喜欢你。

(added on 19th Apr 09)其实我们也不是真的会再也不见，而这正是最糟的部分。如果能完全不用见面，那至少还能让时间冲淡一切，但是如果还能在学校里时不时地碰到，我们还能够有话题聊吗？我们还能够像从前一样对待彼此吗？我们会不会感到尴尬，因为曾经有过那么多回忆，但当下却只能对彼此像普通朋友般的寒暄？我们应该会随着时间的流逝而忘记彼此，那我就不会感到心疼了。

默默..

为什么他们要骗我？即使只是不经意的，但是为什么要让我有受骗的感觉？我还以为我可以相信他们的，我还以为他们都是真诚的对待我的，我还以为他们的笑容和亲切都是真实的，但我现在才发现你最在意的人其实最有可能欺骗你。跟你不熟的人才不会骗你，因为他们没有必要那么做，他们不想讨好你，也不必讨好你。为什么要让我不敢再相信任何人？为什么要让我那么害怕人？我觉得只要是人都好可怕，因为每个人都有脑袋，每个人都有可能心怀不轨，每个人都是在为了自己而活，每个人都有可能为了自己而骗你。我不想活在这种世界中。我只想默默地听着歌，自己一个人听着歌，然后什么别的人也不用管，只是自己默默的生存下去，在自己默默渺小的世界中。

o my god!

this is bad!maths is becoming not like maths but more like other modules..i had 2 consecutive lectures(4 consecutive hours) last week and the 2nd one,maths,was totally like the 1st one(statics and equilibrium stuff) when it started talking about a bar and forces on it and moments about this and that..and then now i m listening to a recording of a lecture last fri(which i missed) and it sounds totally like my other module material science where there is like diffusion and a graph of concentration versus position..

argh..i hate maths when it links itself to other subjects..though it sounds quite stupid because maths was exactly created to solve problems in other stuff..o and i also hate seeing integration signs,hyperbolic functions(!? in statics) in other subjects..can we just understand the thing without having to integrate over line,surface and all those unsolvable stuff?this is really bad..

爱就宅一起..

默默是天使，我是鱼。

如果有一个永远八岁的男生，爱上一个女生，我想这份爱才有可能是纯洁且永恒的吧？

小说 - 默默 - 第一回

“我在天堂里看到了天使...这个天使长得好像小洁哦...她笑得好美好美，跟小洁的笑一样...天空怎么在下雨？但是这雨水好暖和，好像小洁的手一样...”

激烈的篮球比赛正在进行着。45比47，瑞庆高中领先，光和高中紧跟在后。场上的球员个个汗流浃背，但精神却是无比的集中。谁也不想在这最后关键的12秒因为没有尽全力而输掉这场冠军赛。

球从边线传进场，瞬间有一个蓝色身影掠过，打断了球原本的行径。运动馆里的观众个个发出惊叹声，眼睛眨也不眨的盯着这个把瑞庆的球抄走的光和高中的11号球员。他熟练的运着球，在穿过3个瑞庆球员后，在三分线外用漂亮的姿势投出了关键的一球。馆里的每一双眼睛都跟着篮球的抛物线走，最后，“咻”的一声，球进篮了，光和高中以一分之差胜了瑞庆，从他们手中夺回去年被夺走的冠军宝座！欢呼声充满整个篮球场，淹没了瑞庆球员的叹息声。光和球员全部冲向11号球员，把他抱起并抛入空中，而11号球员也开心地笑着，是只有在获得冠军时才能看见的满足笑容。

开心完过后，两队球员握手，瑞庆的主将在最后和11号球员说：“好样的，一年级生！期待还能再和你比赛。下次一定要赢你！”这个能够让全国高中顶尖篮球球员注意的高一生，也是这整场比赛的Most Valuable Player 前5名的人，就是张浩哲。

__________________________________________________________

敏洁独自一人在空旷的户外篮球场上打球。她笨拙的运着球，小心翼翼的走向篮筐，接着，用拿奇怪得有点可笑的姿势把球抛向篮板。“啪”的一声，球从篮板反弹回来，还差一点打到了自己，但敏洁一点也不在意，只是轻松的走向球，温柔地把它拾起。她满脑子都是刚刚观看过的球赛，球员们打球时的英姿在她眼中优美得像在跳舞一样。她多么渴望能够像他们一样把篮球打得那么棒，但缺乏运动细胞的她从来不敢奢望能实现这愿望。尝试投了最后一球后，敏洁把篮球小心翼翼的藏在篮球场边的草丛中，便心满意足地朝学校的方向走去。

_________________________________________________________

光和高中一年五班的课室传出了老师教书的滔滔的说话声，同时也夹杂着同学们的窃窃私语和隐隐约约的打呼声。

“今天这场球赛张浩哲他全场参与，都没有下场休息，我看他今天是不到下课不可能会醒来了。”
“别吵他了吧，他可是我们学校篮球队的新希望，也是因为这样他才有办法来这所学校，否则凭他那种成绩我看是没有高中会收他的吧！”

睡熟了的浩哲对同学们的评论毫无反应，继续做着他的篮球美梦。

下课的钟声响了没多久，光和高中的大门便涌出了许多学生，似乎迫不及待的要去过他们校外精彩的生活。因为制服的关系，大家都不禁注意到有一个南华女高的女生站在校门外，开始和朋友们讨论为什么这个从全国第一女子高中的女生会出现在这里。

敏洁对大家异样的目光感到很害怕，但她的决心也是比什么都坚定的，她早就在心里发誓今天无论如何都要看到光和高中篮球队的练习，特别是那个拿到最优秀选手前5名的高一生。她勇敢的踏进了光和高中，找了一个看起来比较友善的女生问了方向后，便意志坚定的朝着篮球馆走去了。

_________________________________________________________

c is a nice letter..

this is a nice site which teaches u how to do c programming..how to determine if an integer is a palindrome..if u dun even know wat is palindrome then u r living a happy life and u shldn't go n find out abt it..continue living a happy life..but if u r already living a sad life in the c programming world,this site might make u happier..stop staring at the programming qn because it will get u nowhere..haha trust me..cos i jus did that..

listening to: 'live performance' outside my room by Raffles Hall Band

小说 - 默默

听着飞轮海的歌《默默》，脑海中自动浮现了这个故事，可能是最近常看人打篮球吧。也不由自主的开始想象新戏《爱就宅一起》的故事情节，不由自主地按下重复键，连续2个钟头听着这首歌。听的时候，故事的细节不断浮现，又有写小说的冲动了。

对了，这首歌的作曲是宋念宇和陈伟，两个我超欣赏的音乐人，查了一下他们其他的作品，发现好多有名的歌都是他们写的！认识陈伟是从他唱《海豚湾恋人》的“I don't want to know ”开始的，而小宇则是唱了《热情仲夏》的“你要什么就说”。必须说，音乐和戏剧真的是相辅相成的。

飞轮海 - 默默
作曲:陈伟/宋念宇
作词:黄文萱
编曲:陈伟/黄文萱

这是一个没有答案的问题
我感觉我变了 谁让我变了
原本这是一个没有答案的问题
却被你解开了 简单的解开了
你走过来 带着和别人不同的对白
你甚至不让我知道 你对我有多好

慢慢的 这份爱 悄悄的住下来
深深的 在心里 没人看的出来
安静的 但却一直都在 是你默默的爱
慢慢的 这份爱 已经变成依赖
浅浅的 笑容里 却让我充满期待
不用说 我就能够明白 你默默的爱

未来的每一天 不管发生什么
能不能交给我呢
我要永远陪着你 守护着你直到最后

listening to: 默默 by 飞轮海

我不在乎..

那是我现在心情写照的相反..我在乎，但是也没有用，只是让自己痛苦。有时候我真的希望我像别人所说的那么单纯，那么就不会那么的怀疑人，也不会让自己变的那么痛苦。为什么我总是被当成最后的选择，甚至更多时候是不被考虑？为什么我那么懦弱，为了别人而无法维护自己的一点基本的权利？

listening to: 如燕 by Olivia Ong

the battle of humans and computers..

programming,a word which was quite scary to me before i even took it..maybe because of all the stuff i heard from my frens and from general response..ppl spend hours and days battling with the computer,which translated into more understandable words, actually means that ppl try to write programs which the compiler is willing to compile,and pray hard that the output is correct..the number of errors that pop up might intimidate u,but fear not..because u will have to get it right in the end lest u wan to fail this module..errors are there for u to correct,whether u wan to correct them or not..and if u do not wan to,u wun get the desired results..ok when did this post start to become philosophical..

nothing is impossible..

and the thing which seems impossible to happen might happen some day..not the day when pigs fly,but on the day that u have waited so long that u have forgotten what it means to have a miracle happen..what u wish to happen might not happen always(often not actually)..but at a time that u least expect it,the chance pops up in front of u out of nowhere and catch u as a TOTAL surprise..

i really never imagined in my entire life to be in an acapella group,even if it is only temporary and for one song..and me being the lead?that is something i never dreamt of in my wildest dreams..not exaggerating in the mildest extent..i took in appearance,but underneath i m like shouting in my heart "m i dreaming?or m i dreaming?can someone hit me please?"..the best thing is that it came to me after i thought i have lost all hope of being in it because there was this other much much better singer n she was like 'in' without having to audition for it..

and i muz say i m quite lucky..i'd always have a chance to be near someone i like..and he is like him..they are quite alike actually..serious when at work and so confident and unproud and sincere and passionate in what they are doing..yet also cheeky at times and funny and lame and smiley and friendly to everyone..and they have another similarity which is that they both have girlfrens(not like i ever imagine to be with them..i now understand that what i feel is 崇拜)..and both girlfrens are choir related too..nice coincidence huh..sometimes i think i m pretending that he is him,not that they are very different anyway..o ya another similarity is that both are very thin..VERY..

listening to: 不敢当 by 梁静茹

没有理所当然，也没有如果..

世界上被当成理所当然的东西总有一天会消失，即使是暂时的也好，就是为了吓吓把它当成理所当然的人，让他们开始懂得珍惜，即使这个珍惜也只是短暂的。

世界上没有如果，一切只有一次机会，人们也没有办法知道如果做了另一个选择会有怎样的结果。那么人们是应该随心所欲，大胆尝试并接受失败，或是应该保守的做出理智的选择呢？害怕受伤就没办法得到理想的成果，但害怕受伤是人的本能反应，难道是人的错吗？

listening to: 没有如果 by 梁静茹

back to school..

the 4th day back to school..not much this week because tutorial hasn't started..i only have 1 lecture from 5-6 today..afraid that i will be habited to this slackness..really afraid of the things that are going to come this sem..weird labs and weird lab timings too..heard how my frens died last month because of the programming methodology labs last sem..me having to time to write a blog entry now already shows how slack i m now..inertia is really true fact not only applicable to objects but to humans too..an added rule is that much more force is needed to start than to stop..haha

listening to: 龙战骑士 by 周杰伦

back in hall..

the 2nd and last time moving into hall..i m already starting to staying in hall..nxt time when i dun stay i will have to get up early for 8am lessons..and squeeze with ppl in buses..and i need to waste time on transport..and i dun get more attention from my parents(because if i m in hall they will care for me more when i go home during weekends..and my brother is better to me too..haha)..i cannot do a lot of things with my hall frens..i cannot wish them happy birthday at their rooms at 12am and lie on their beds and play with their soft toys..i cannot stay up late without being afraid of getting caught by my parents..

幸福的抉择 I do?

或许是命运要我看到这部戏，之前我有说到一部新戏《败犬女王》，主题曲是梁静茹的新歌《没有如果》。在搜寻梁静茹的新专辑时发现没有这首歌，新专辑叫《幸福的抉择I do?》，主打歌是《属于》。然后想下载《败犬女王》的桌布时又发现一部叫做《幸福的抉择I do?》的戏。这部戏的桌布中有一男一女，不论是穿着便装或是结婚礼服都一脸幸福的样子，让我的心不禁特别温暖。好奇之下去看了这部戏，发现是戏的主题曲就是《属于》，也是部大牌众多的大戏。到底这部戏是在说什么呢，我到现在这一刻还是在不断思索，并不停找到的新的答案。

属于

我堅持的 都值得堅持嗎 我所相信的 就是真的嗎
如果我敢追求 我就敢擁有嗎 而如果都算了 不要呢
或許吧 或許我永遠都不會遇見他
或許吧 或許我太天真了吧

屬於我的昨天之前的結局　我決定我的決定
屬於我的明天之後的憧憬　我迷信我的迷信
屬於我們點點滴滴的傷心　我們要各自忘記
屬於我們閃閃發亮的愛情　我們再一起努力

屬於風的 那就去飛翔吧 屬於海洋的 那就洶湧吧
屬於我們的愛 該來的就來吧 為什麼不敢呢 不要呢
是他吧 命中早就注定了的那個他
是他吧 他原來就在這裡啊

这部戏的主题毫无疑问的，是爱。

讲的是年轻人对爱的憧憬。在5年前的一个晚上因为遇到了一个让自己的生命忽然有曙光的人，而毫不犹豫的爱上，并天天为对方祈祷，即使根本不知道会不会再遇到那个人。

讲的是年轻人对爱的冲动。因为爱就可舍弃其他的一切，因为爱就可以不管别人的目光和谴责，因为爱就有生存下去的力量和勇气。

讲的是年轻人对婚姻的轻视。爱和相处是不一样的，婚姻是需要经营的，爱能排除一切困难，但那只是当双方都能把口中所说的爱凭着自己的毅力去实践出来。爱能建立信任，但这种信任也不是完全的，而是必须两个人小心维持的。

讲的是一个孩子对家的渴望和对长辈的不信任。有时家长对孩子的爱是不易被孩子察觉的，只有在历经一连串困难后，孩子才会发现对自己不离不弃的只有父母。

讲的是两个母亲对孩子两种不同的爱。人们对爱的定义都不一样，当爱的方式不被认同时，心痛却也没有办法改变事实，只是希望时间能够证明一切，并在过程中让孩子成长成为真正能够自己独立的人。

讲的是爱情的存在。即使必须历经挫折才能发现爱，但如果最后能够找到一个你真正爱的人，也是真正爱你的人，并且找到了彼此相处的方式，那么一切都是值得的。回头看，也许回忆并不尽是美好的事情，但也会别有一番滋味，并更懂得珍惜当下所拥有的幸福。

listening to: 属于 by 梁静茹

没有如果的败犬女王..

昨天首播的《败犬女王》，因为好奇而看了一点，结果fast forward 到主题曲那边后就重复不知道听了多少遍，直到现在还是在播放。梁静茹唱的《没有如果》，感觉好像很符合这部戏。虽然我现在才不到20岁（今年6月才到），但是感觉好像很能了解败犬的心理（败犬的意思可以去google一下）。听了歌就能感觉到戏里的败犬希望有个男人能够了解她的感受。败犬也是希望能够被爱的，只是找不到这样的人罢了。她也希望能够有个不管“如果”的人去爱她，如果有这样的人，她会不顾一切地去爱他。听了就又想哭的感觉。

没有如果

如果我说 爱我没有如果 错过就过你是不是会难过
若如果 拿来当借口 那是不是有一点弱
如果我说 爱我没有如果 真的爱我就放手一搏
还想什么还怕什么 快牵起我的手

有人说 世界上最遥远的距离不是 生与死
而是我就站在你面前 你却不知道 我爱你
我常说 如果人类连爱一个人都被自己绑住
那世界末日已来到 不需要等到地球毁灭掉的那天

listening to: 没有如果 by 梁静茹

happy new year pull your ear!

this year's first post is on the first day of the year!though the first day is ending soon..long time no come..have been busy studying during term time and busy watching dramas/playing games during the holidays to be diligent enough to post something on my blog..but this new year has been quite happening..

i can remember myself writing blog entries in the past few years during those times when ppl are counting down to new years and christmases,as though the events had nothing to do with me at all and that they are just as normal as any day on the calender to me..however this new year i was at my fren's house,staying up for the whole night and playing bridge/pictionary/mahjong..we ate steamboat for dinner,and realising we have too much food left,we ate steamboat again at 5am on 01/01/2009..cool ah..o ya and then after that we started watching 流星花园 which was so popular when we were like primary 6(we are in uni now by the way)..nice way to celebrate new year ah..